My Fair Roxanne
by M.W. Roach
Summary: A bold yet awkward tomboy garners the admiration of Tommy & his friends after she stands up to Savannah and foils her attempt at revenge; Tommy and the gang try to make the brazen and boyish Roxanne more personable. Just 2 Acts, like in an actual episode. Picks up 1 year after "All Grown Up" left off. Possible Phil/OC.


**"My Fair Roxanne"**

_By: M.W. Roach_

* * *

"For the last time mister DeVille, there's nothing wrong with your throat." The school nurse growled, shoving Phil out of her office and into the hall. "Now go back to class!"

"No, wait...maybe you should check again..." Phil pleaded. "I feel this tickle in there."

"This is the 4th time this week you've been sent to me! 1st, it was magic-marker chicken pox, then it was a fake cold, you're dreadful 'bout of leprosy, and now a sore throat. I checked you, and there's nothing the matter with you health-wise! You're just a little slacker, that's what you are! How can anyone trust you?"

Phil frowned. "Well, _you're_ just a school nurse, not a REAL doctor. How can anyone trust **YOU?**"

The nurse rebuked by slamming the door in Phil's face.

Phil, stubborn to the end, had the last word.

"Oh yeah? Well, expect a malpractice lawsuit comin' your way, lady!"

* * *

_4, 3, 2, 1!_

_Every birthday my mom and dad would say_

_"You're another year older; another year wiser"_

_But I still go to school_

_To get an education_

_I treat each and every day like a mini-vacation!_

_All Grown Up!_

_I really wanna shout it out!_

_All Grown Up!_

_I want the world to know!_

_All Grown Up!_

_I really wanna shout it out!_

_All Grown Up!_

_With you!_

_All Grown Up With..._

_You!_

* * *

Tommy and the others met him by the lockers. Tommy rolled his eyes.

"Are all those pocketfuls of stolen latex gloves really worth your fake illnesses, Phil?"

Phil laughed and pulled one of the rubber gloves from his pocket.

"All part of my ingenious plan to become rich and famous!" He put the glove over his head and began inflating it with his nose.

Lil sighed. "He's been obsessed since he found out how Howie Mandel got started."

The glove, full of air, suddenly popped off of Phil's head and went spurting down the hallway. The pressure caused Phil to fall on his behind, coughing violently in an attempt to breath. Once composed, he got up, slightly dizzy, and leaned against his locker with a smile.

"Complain all you want, Lilian. Mr. Mandel made it big, and one day, I'll host a hit game-show surrounded by gorgeous models with briefcases."

"Meanwhile, you're going to give yourself an aneurism by trying to blow up those latex gloves with your nose." Kimi grunted, pulling some books out of her locker.

"Well, I'm definitely gonna need more gloves, but I doubt the school nurse will see me again...Chuckie?" Phil grinned sneakily at his red-headed friend.

"Oh no..." Chuckie said, holding up his hands. "No way I'm going in there. My luck, she'll actually find something wrong with me."

"Fine..." Phil turned to Kimi. "Kimi, punch me in the nose."

Kimi turned away. "Maybe later. I'm late for tutoring."

"Tutoring?" Tommy questioned. "Since when do you need tutoring?"

"Yeah." Chuckie agreed. "I always saw you as the smartest one in the group."

"And I am!" Kimi said almost jokingly. "I'm the tutor-**er**. I'm tutoring a girl in my Algebra class. I'll see you guys at lunch!" With a wave, she disappeared into a classroom.

Phil lowered his head. "Aw, man...now who am I gonna get to punch me in the nose?"

Lil leaned over him with a huge smile. "I'll do it!"

* * *

Lunchtime rolled around, and the gang all took seats next to and across from one another. Phil had a blood-stained tissue shoved in his left nostril.

"Well, you should be up to 3 pocketfuls of stolen gloves, right?" Tommy inquired with a raised brow.

"Try 8 pocketfuls." Phil grinned, looking at his sister.

Lil held an ice pack over her fist. "Punching him in the nose bruised my knuckles. So while I was sitting in the nurses' office, he stuffed MY pockets too." She glared at her brother.

"Yup." Phil announced proudly as he popped a chicken nugget into his mouth. "Lil's a devious accessory to my glove-pilfering."

"At least I got the satisfaction of punching you in the nose." She grumbled, eating a sporkful of coleslaw.

Tommy, ignoring the bickering twins, looked over at Chuckie. "Where's Kimi? Didn't she say she'd meet us at lunch?"

"She's on her way. She had a quick meeting with her Japanese club after tutoring. She says she's making some headway with the girl she's working with, though." Chuckie shrugged. "Sort of..."

"Who's she working with?" Tommy inquired curiously, taking a swig of chocolate milk.

"I dunno...some girl named Roxanne..."

* * *

Savannah exited the lunch line with her friends. Each of them held a small salad and a small soft drink. Savannah led the girls, talking as she headed for her table.

"And then, I noticed that not only didn't her shoes match her pants, but they didn't match her earrings either! Dressing like that, there's no way I would have let her come to MY party!"

Savannah laughed at her own anecdote, her friends following along, though they didn't think the story was very nice or entertaining. Their laughing was suddenly cut short with a gasp. Savannah turned and gave an annoyed grunt of her own upon seeing the intruder.

"Don't look now..." Lil whispered. "But someone's in trouble..."

The gang all looked over at Savannah's table.

* * *

A girl sat their, reclining in the chair with her feet propped up on the table. She held a magazine in front of her face and noisily chewed a chicken nugget, stopping every so often to spit out a chunk of half-chewed gristle.

The girl was rather tall for a 7th grader, and far more developed then Savannah or her her friends. She had short, spiky hair in a sort of rock-pixie style. It was deep red with black tips, and her bangs hung across her forehead and just over her slanted brows. Her eye shadow was a deep purple, and her lipstick a vibrant blue. She had 6 gold earrings in each ear. She wore a very interesting green, black and white striped sleeveless, one-shoulder top with fish-netting over her arms and unstrapped shoulder; a black spiked collar was tight around her neck. She wore black, white and silver army-styled cargo pants. Black and red sneakers completed the interestingly punk-rock look that this girl pulled off so well.

"Oh man..." Chuckie gasped. "I don't think she knows what kind of trouble she's in for."

Savannah growled a little at the sheer insolence of the stranger and how she reclined so carelessly with her filthy feet on her 'cool' table. But Savannah swallowed her anger and put on a fake sweet-face before approaching her.

Savannah smiled her fake smile and spoke in her oh-so-innocent voice.

"Um...excuse me..."

But before she could continue, the stranger rebuffed her harshly without even taking her eyes off her magazine.

"Go away, I'm eating."

Her voice was deep, yet smooth, and her words were spoken sharply and in haste, almost sounding as though she had combined all 4 of her brief words into one.

Savannah was at first taken back by the response, and for a moment was at a loss for words. But with the entire school watching the scene, she quickly recomposed herself and tried again.

"I _really_ don't mean to be rude, but you're sort of sitting at _my_ table." She said just as innocently as before, but a little faster this time so as to avoid being cut off again.

The stranger casually looked under the table, then went back to reading her magazine.

"Says 'property of the school'." She replied, spitting out a piece of gristle right at Savannah's feet.

Savannah took a step back, repelled by the girl's complete lack of etiquette. Once again her fury threatened to rise, but once again, she managed to control her rage.

"Well, you are certainly sitting in my chair." She almost sung with just a hint of agitation in her tone.

"Well, finders keepers, sweetheart." Came the stranger's deep and careless voice. "Besides, my butt in it means it's MY chair."

Savannah clenched her fists. "Look, I'm trying to be very patient with you..."

The stranger set the magazine down and looked up at Savannah with large slanted eyes.

"I'm trying that too, but you're not making it very easy. Now, this is all time that you could be spending by finding someplace ELSE to sit. 'Cause I ain't movin'." With that, she popped another nugget into her mouth, picked up her magazine and continued reading.

Savannah had had enough. She threw her drink and salad on the floor, sending the food, ice and soda everywhere, including splashing some dressing on her own shoes.

**"LISTEN, YOU! THIS IS MY TABLE AND MY CHAIR, SO YOU BETTER MOVE RIGHT NOW OR YOU'LL BE SORRY!"**

The entire cafeteria gasped, then immediately fell into a hush. All eyes were now on the stranger, who merely chuckled, amused by Savannah's little tantrum.

"Wow...I'm not even going to dignify _that_ with an answer."

Savannah waited for more of a response, but none came. Even more agitated then ever, she approached the table and slammed her hands on it so hard, the girl's tray bounced up slightly. She leaned into the strangers face and spoke with a low, malicious tone.

"Why don't you just take your lunch and go sit somewhere else, hmm?"

The stranger furrowed her slanty brows and leaned her forehead into Savannah's.

"Why don't YOU shut up!" She shouted, the smoothness of her deep voice cracked and became harsh and raspy. She finished by pushing Savannah's head back ever so slightly.

The intensity of the stranger's tone and her sheer brazenness took Savannah by complete surprise, and she retracted a few steps, forgetting that she had thrown her soda on the ground. She slipped and fell backwards into her friends, who in turn, fell and spilled their sodas and salads everywhere.

The cafeteria erupted into an uproar of laughter.

Tommy and his friends looked on in complete shock.

"Oh man, did you see that!" Tommy howled in awe.

Phil gave an unsettling moan. "Aahh...I think I just entered puberty!"

Lil gave her brother a disgusted look and scooted away a few inches.

"I almost wish Angelica was here to see this instead of being on that field trip with Susie and Harold!" Chuckie added in amazement.

Savannah felt her face burn with embarrassment. She got up, not once attempting to help her friends up, and stared, dripping, at the new enemy. The girl, careless as before, went back to reading her magazine and spitting out bits if gristle, completely ignoring the hoots of laughter cascading all around her. Savannah narrowed her eyes and reluctantly started away; her friends followed, whimpering, dripping pathetic things they were. Before exiting the cafeteria, she turned one last time and whispered to herself.

"You're gonna pay for that..." With that, she and her friends disappeared behind the swinging doors just as Kimi entered.

Kimi grabbed her lunch and took a seat with her friends.

"What was all that about?"

"That girl over there really knocked Savannah down a notch." Lil said, unimpressed, as she took another bite of her coleslaw.

Kimi looked and smiled.

"Really? Well, Savannah's lucky Roxanne didn't knock her teeth out!"

Chuckie looked at his sister, shocked. "THAT'S the girl you were tutoring?"

"Yup. That's Roxanne Foxington." Kimi said calmly. "She's not very bright, but she's tough as nails."

"What do you know about her?" Phil asked eagerly. "Tell me everything you know about her!"

"You mean to tell me you're over the whole Wally incident?" Lil asked suspiciously.

"Lilian, I am a fickle man...and Roxanne over there happens to be a really foxy girl. She's Foxy Roxy!"

Kimi grabbed Phil's arm and vigorously shook her head.

"Call her that and she **WILL** kill you."

Phil sighed. "That is so hot."

"Well, dangerous or not, she's still pretty cool in my book." Tommy said with a nod. "Anyone who stands up to Savannah deserves a nice pat on the back."

"Or a nice pat on the butt..." Phil muttered sneakily.

"Hey, you guys wanna meet her?" Kimi offered.

"Yes, yes! We do! Yes!" Phil practically bounced in his seat.

"Alright, but don't call her Roxy, she hates that..." After issuing the warning Kimi stood up. "Hey Roxanne! C'mere a minute, will ya?"

The girl now known as Roxanne looked up and smiled. She stood up, revealing her full height, dumped her tray and approached the table.

"Hey, Kimi. Thanks for the help today. I still have no idea what you're talking about, but I think I'm getting better at this whole Algebra thing!"

She did have a deep voice for a girl, even when she was clearly happy, but it was very obvious now that she was at least 3 years older then them; perhaps around 14 years old. She was far more developed then any other student at the school, and Phil couldn't stop staring.

"You'll get it one day, Roxanne, I know you will!" Kimi encouraged, though she knew Roxanne had been held back a few times for failing her classes, especially math. "Hey, I want you to meet my friends." She put her hand on Chuckie's shoulder. "This is my brother, Chuckie."

Chuckie held out his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Pleasure's all mine, Chuckie." She grabbed his hand roughly and tore it up and down in a very rigorous greeting.

Chuckie whined a bit after retracting, rubbing his shoulder.

"I think she dislocated it..." He grunted inaudibly to himself.

"This is Tommy." Kimi continued.

"Hey, man, how's it going!" Roxanne waved, unable to reach him to shake his hand anyway.

Roxanne looked at Lil. "Hey, Lil."

Lil, who had been quietly eating her lunch the entire time, looked up wide-eyed at Roxanne.

"Uh, have we...met?"

Roxanne's smile faded a bit. "We're, uh...in Biology together."

Lil looked on, completely dumbfounded. "We are?...Huh...I must not have seen you!"

Roxanne's smile shrunk further. "We've been sitting next to each other for an entire semester."

Lil's cheeks turned bright red. "Wow, I must not have noticed!"

Roxanne's smile faded altogether. "We actually worked on a team-project together...last week."

Lil, embarrassed beyond belief, laughed nervously and nodded.

"Ah...okay, yeah. It's, uh...it's all coming back to me!" She forced a smile.

Phil began nudging her with his elbow. In order to maintain some dignity, Lil pointed to him.

"This is my twin brother, Phil!" She said through her false smile as she pushed him towards Roxanne.

"Whoa!" Roxanne exclaimed. "I didn't know you had a twin! This is actually pretty trippy!" She grabbed Phil's hand and shook it just and viciously as she did Chuckie's. "Nice to meet you!"

"No, no..." Phil spoke in a smooth, almost seductive tone. "It's nice to meet _YOU_."

Roxanne smiled uncomfortably and tried to pull away, but Phil was latched on.

"Have you ever seen a man blow up a latex glove with his nose?" He asked, trying and failing to sound alluring.

Roxanne frowned. "No..."

Phil raised his brow in a Don Juan fashion. "Would you like to?"

"NO!" Lil shouted, embarrassed by him.

Phil released Roxanne's hand for the sheer sake of turning around to glare at his sister.

"Well, it was nice meeting you guys. I gotta go, now. Maybe I'll see you around."

Tommy couldn't help but notice her voice sounded quite sad and almost lonesome as she started for the door. It nagged at him until he stood up and called.

"Roxanne..."

She turned.

"...You wanna hang out with us after school?" He blurted out.

A sparkle in her eye convinced him that he had done the right thing.

"Really, you wanna hang out with me?" She asked, hopeful and contrite.

"Sure." Tommy confirmed in a friendly manner. But a look of concern on Kimi's face caused him to worry slightly.

"Wow, that is so awesome!" Roxanne was overjoyed as she flew to his side. "I've been goin' to this school for almost 4 years and no one has ever asked me to hang out with them before!"

Right away, Tommy was certain something had to be wrong.

"Well, uh, we don't mind. The more the merrier, right guys?"

Phil nodded eagerly, Chuckie and Lil chimed in with a uniform 'sure', but Kimi remained silent and still while biting her lower lip.

"Oh, man, this is so great!"

As Roxanne cheered, Tommy whispered quietly to Kimi.

"Why haven't you invited her to hang with us before?"

"Hey, thanks for the invite, Tommy!" Roxanne laughed as she gave Tommy 3 playful and extremely painful slugs in the arm before bounding out of the lunchroom in joy.

"Because she's an ox, that's why." Kimi answered Tommy's question angrily as Tommy groaned in pain, rubbing his arm. "Yes, she's pretty, and yes, she's tough, but guys, she's not very well-socialized! She doesn't know how to act gentle with people. That's why she doesn't have any friends."

"Well maybe that's why she needs to hang out with us." Chuckie added. "She just needs to be taught how to play nice."

"She practically dislocated your shoulder!" Kimi shouted.

"I...kind of liked that." Chuckie said quietly with a little smirk.

"**YOU'VE** had a class with her?" Phil asked his sister, ignoring the others.

"I swear, I've never even seen that girl before in my life!" Lil confessed, throwing her hands up.

"Look, Chuckie's right." Tommy said, still trying to rub the soreness out of his bruised arm. "She's lonely and she needs friends. We'll just have to teach her how to be gentle with people, that's all. She's really pretty nice."

"Well, I call dibs on her." Phil said defensively, pulling a latex glove out of his pocket. "No woman can resist the blowing-up-a-rubber-glove-with-your-nose-trick." He put it over his head and began blowing it up with powerful exhales.

Lil watched with a neutral expression. "You're an idiot."

Kimi sighed and nodded. "You're right, Tommy. If we make a good example, she'll learn to be a great friend. And I bet now that you invited her to hang out with us, she's probably gentler already..."

* * *

Roxanne stopped by the water fountain to take a drink before continuing on to her locker. She approached it and reached for the combination. She suddenly withdrew her hand as a rank odor hit her nose. She drew back, her hand over her mouth. What was that awful stink? She examined the outer door of the locker and noticed a dark red viscous goo dripping from the vents and bottom of the locker. She narrowed her eyes. A small giggle from Savannah and her friends across the hall confirmed her suspicions. Cautiously, she reached out again, entered the combination with a few twists of her wrist, and the locker door flew open, the force caused by several pounds of rotted Salisbury steaks from the lunchroom; thawed quickly by being left out in the hot sun. Evidently, Savannah had not left the lunchroom earlier, but snuck into the kitchen and out the back door, where the janitor had disposed the box of putrid meat by the dumpster.

And now, it was spewed in all of its wretched stink all over Roxanne's books and on the floor; some of it splattered on her new shoes. She could hear Savannah's laughter from across the hall. Roxanne frowned and growled. She spoke in her deep, dark voice.

"Oh, it's on."

Phil had bolted out of the lunchroom in hopes of meeting Roxanne by her locker. He skidded to a stop when he spotted her standing there. He tussled his hair, checked his breath (just a bad as it usually was) and strutted over to her. He leaned against one of the lockers, immune to the foul-smelling meat.

"Hello, Roxanne..."

"Got anymore of those Latex gloves?" She asked suddenly in her usual fast-talking response.

"Uh, yeah. Plenty for the two of us..." Thinking she'd been impressed by his offer to watch him blow one up with his nose, he shifted his left leg forward, his pocket revealing some of the gloves.

But before he could reach in and get her one, Roxanne took the liberty upon herself, and shoved her hand in Phil's pocket. Phil gave another unsettling moan, then fainted. Roxanne's mind was fixed on Savannah, and she didn't even bother to look back and see the source of the sudden bang caused by Phil's body hitting the floor.

Roxanne slipped the glove on, grabbed a handful of the rancid meat, hid it behind her back, and walked towards Savannah, who now had her back facing the very angry Roxanne.

"Hey, Savannah. You got a minute?"

Savannah smirked as she recognized the deep, almost sleepy-sounding voice. She began speaking before she even turned to face her.

"Well, it's you again." She said in her innocent voice as she turned around. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

At first she recoiled at the stink of the meat, but then Savannah noticed that some of it had gotten on Roxanne's shoes. With a grin, Savannah relaxed, figuring that must be the source of the powerful smell.

Roxanne put on her own fake smile. "Look, I'm sorry about the whole incident in the cafeteria. I just get a little cranky when I'm in the middle of eating and someone interrupts me."

"Well, I didn't mean to sound rude, but I just get a little cranky one someone inadvertently sits in my chair at my table. But I do hope we can come to an understanding." Her voice was so deceptively innocent, it was almost sickening.

"Yeah, me too. And don't worry about the whole locker thing. That was pretty funny, I have to say!" Roxanne forced a laugh.

"Well, I don't mean to sound overbearing, but I simply had to teach you a lesson. It's just the rules of the hierarchy! I knew you'd understand. And it was pretty funny!" She gave an annoyingly high-pitched giggle.

"Yeah." Roxanne's smile gradually sunk. "But I know something funnier."

"You do? What's that?"

Roxanne revealed the hideous wad of rotten meat from behind her back. Without another word, she smeared it across Savannah's face, in her mouth and all down the front of her shirt.

"I believe all of this belongs to you." Roxanne said gruffly. "And there's plenty more where THAT came from, princess!"

Savannah's body began to go into spasms as the sickness hit her. Retching and gagging, she made for the nearest bathroom and began redecorating it with her pea-green vomit.

Roxanne now fixated on Savannah's friends, who coward in Roxanne's shadow.

"You're Savannah's lackeys, yes?" She asked.

The two girls nodded nervously.

"Okay, well, unless you want to join Savannah in the bathroom I suggest **YOU GET YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE BUTTS OVER THERE AND CLEAN ALL THAT CRAP OUT OF MY LOCKER RIGHT NOW!**" Her voice went from calm to hysterical in seconds.

The two girls nearly tripped over each other in order to race to Roxanne's locker to clean up the piles of revolting meat.

Satisfied with herself, Roxanne pulled the glove off and tossed it. She turned to walk away, but stopped short when she came face to face with Tommy and his gang (minus Phil, who was still lying in a happy-coma by her locker).

Roxanne looked on at the disproving faces of Tommy, Chuckie, Kimi and Lil. With a genuine innocent and bewildered expression, Roxanne shrugged.

"What?" She asked, completely confused at to why she was getting those looks.

Tommy sighed. "Okay...so maybe this is going to be harder then I thought."


End file.
